Long before the days of the Internet, people met others through blind dates, mutual friends, nightclubs, extracurricular activities, and social functions. You immediately got to see the person face to face; however, in this modern cyber age, most people are using online dating sites to meet potential dates. As a result, couples see each other for the first time through photographs and begin communicating through some type of messaging system. After some back and forth online conversations, phone numbers are usually exchanged. We get to know the other person before actually meeting in person. The only clue you have about their appearance is through the photos that they chose to post online; therefore, impressions are formed before a couple even goes on an official first date. Many times, people misrepresent themselves, showing only the parts that they want the other person to see. This can be both good and bad. Let’s face it … we are visual creatures and mutual attraction matters. We all have a specific physical or personality type that appeals to us. On a positive note, people get a chance to become acquainted before making snap judgments based solely on appearance. The downside is that while the initial chemistry might be good, there’s a big letdown if they find that mutual attraction isn’t there when they finally meet face-to-face.
So how do we avoid creating unrealistic expectations and disappointments? I found that using Skype or another similar communication medium can be helpful. I have had a few first “dates” that way and after observing body language, facial expressions and yes, even getting a background look at their home environment, it told me more about a person that what he chose to share with me. This “sneak preview” of sorts spared me from wasting valuable time on somebody with whom I would not want to be involved, not to mention the agony of having to endure an unpleasant date.
If you’re on the fence and can’t make a decision as to whether or not you’re interested in someone, a good option is to make the first date a short one … maybe agree only to meet for a quick cup of coffee or a drink just to see how it goes. This way, if the date turns out to be a flop, you can make a quick getaway. If there’s definite potential, you can always extend the date or make plans for something more substantial the next time you get together. I once met a guy for what was supposed to be a quick cup of coffee and we ended up talking for hours. I really enjoyed his company but I had absolutely no romantic interest in him and I could tell that the feeling was mutual. When we finally parted, we both knew that we would not be getting together again. We were both nice people who had a good rapport but that doesn’t mean that two nice people can make it as a couple if the chemistry isn’t there.
Assuming that you get past the initial “inspection” and a real date follows, this is where you have to be very careful. Many people, women especially, have the tendency to share far more about themselves than they should. Maybe it’s due to nervousness or the need to provide “full disclosure” so that the other person can make an informed decision as to whether or not to move forward. Let’s be honest, first dates are tantamount to an audition for a relationship. It’s not uncommon to share information with the other person but it’s not necessary to provide your entire autobiography. Nobody needs to hear about childhood traumas, emotional scars from the past, the details of an ugly breakup or messy divorce or your dysfunctional family. It’s not a good idea to talk about your awful job, financial problems, disappointing past relationships or your fear of abandonment. All you’re showing is negativity and sending the message that you are somehow damaged; as a result, it lowers their initial appraisal of you.
Another big mistake that people often make is to set boundaries from the beginning, which is a good thing — if done correctly. The objective is to take charge and set the right tone from the start; however, many go about it the wrong way which is to provide the other person with a list of “dos and don’ts”, a.k.a a set of instructions. Nobody likes being given a bunch of rules that they are expected to follow. Worst of all, what you’re REALLY doing is divulging all of your likes and dislikes, giving your date a blueprint of which of their qualities to show you and which ones to hide. Instead of taking charge, you’ve just given away all your power. Setting boundaries is not done by what you say, but by your actions. Without saying a word, you can teach people how to treat you by what you refuse to tolerate.
When meeting somebody new, all you need to do is share basic details about yourself; for example, trips that you’ve taken, restaurants that you like, places that you visited, hobbies and activities that you enjoy and things of that nature. If a relationship develops, your partner will learn more about you during the natural course of time.
It’s the preliminary “getting to you know” phase that sets the stage for the relationship. You don’t get a second chance to make a good first impression. The whole key is to become what you want to attract. If you want to find a quality partner, they need to see you as somebody worth having.
Bottom line: The only thing the other person needs to see is who you are right now; it’s not necessary for them to know everything you went through to become the person you are today.