Let’s face it … we all have a need to be accepted for who we are. It’s been said that a true friend is somebody who knows the worst things about you and loves you anyway. However, a friend and a romantic interest are two very different types of relationships.
Everybody has insecurities and the tendency to be self-conscious about things that we dislike about ourselves, whether it is height, weight, age, physical imperfections, personality flaws or other characteristics. Some things can be improved upon and others cannot. Whatever attributes you wish you did or did not have, the worst thing you can do is to let them define you. This is especially important when you’re meeting a potential romantic partner for the first time.
I knew a woman who was nervous about her first date with a guy she met online. As they became acquainted by telephone, she said to him, “Before we go on a date, I just want to let you know that I gained a little weight over the past few months, so I may look heavier than what I appeared in my photos. I went through a difficult time during a breakup and I let myself go but I’m back on track now and I have been working to get the weight off”. What she was trying to do was to be honest but the message she sent was quite different. What the guy on the other end of line heard was an apology for her physical defects along with a promise for an improved appearance. She also told him that the end of her last relationship had the power to make her to fall apart. Chances are that the guy might not have even noticed or cared about the extra weight but by putting a spotlight on it, she brought something to his attention that he probably might have missed. Worst of all, her apologetic demeanor was an indication that she considered herself to be defective. This could very well have diminished his initial appraisal of her. As a result, he may not have felt as motivated to impress her because she obviously considered herself to be flawed.
Another example is about a boastful gentleman I once knew. He tried to impress others with stories of the many women he dated, his expensive cars and his connections to prominent people. He was always dropping big names and showing off a new watch or other piece of jewelry and he bragged about dining in the finest restaurants. On the surface, women would humor him with feigned interest and forced politeness but in reality, they were turned off by his arrogance and had no desire to date him. He believed that they would be fascinated by his lifestyle and would be eager to get involved with him but what they REALLY saw was an egomaniac with a low self-esteem and a desperate need for approval which he sought by trying to dazzle every woman who crossed his path.
There are many ways to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. Some people are self-deprecating, making fun of themselves so as to beat others to the punch. There are also those who try to cover up feelings of inferiority by assuming an air of superiority.
I think it’s best to give others a chance to get to know you in your natural state and let them form their own opinions without trying to influence their assessment of you. People rarely see us the way we see ourselves.
Insecurities are loud. Confidence is quiet.