Let’s face it … unless you become free from the bonds of a miserable marriage or relationship, it’s a terrible feeling to go through a break up. You no longer belong to the world of couples, yet you don’t feel comfortable with the single life, either. Instead of thinking in terms of “us” and “we”, you’re forced to think in terms of “I’ and “me”. It seems like you don’t fit in anywhere — you no longer feel as if you have a place in this world.
It’s natural to project all of the worst case scenarios about the future. You think about the days, weeks, months and years that stretch ahead, worrying about what life is going to be like and whether you’re doomed to live with permanent loneliness and a lack of companionship. You can’t or don’t want to imagine yourself with anybody else. Your friends are happily partnered and you wonder why it happens for some people and not others.
It’s a struggle to carve out a “new normal”, especially when your heart isn’t in it.
When the split wasn’t one that you wanted or initiated, there’s also a sense of denial, hoping that the lost relationship can be salvaged. If this is the case, the absolute WORST thing you can do is to let your ex know that they can call you if they want to work it out, as you’re giving him or her the freedom to flit in and out of your life as he/she pleases. Nothing keeps another person away more than knowing that the door swings both ways. How would you feel if your ex came back to you only because their relationship with somebody else didn’t work out? Would you like it if they spent time with you because they had nothing better to do? Don’t be tempted to take advantage of any opportunity to be with them, hoping that they’ll suddenly get hit with the revelation that they still love you. The fact is that they’re using you to avoid unwanted boredom or to get certain needs temporarily satisfied. Forget about those Hallmark movies based on lovers being torn apart by a misundering only to find their way back to each other again. These romantic fantasies are gratifying to watch and they offer a lot of “feel good” moments but they’re not based on reality.
It’s not uncommon to be tempted to contact an ex on some kind of pretext to keep the lines of communication open, looking for a glimmer of hope for a possible reconciliation. No matter how strong the urge you may have to do so, resist reaching out to him or her. If you’re the one who initiated the split due to unacceptable behavior on their end, you’re letting them know that you’d consider taking them back in spite of how they treated you. If your ex is the one who ended it for reasons that you considered to be unjustifiable, chances are that they were looking for an out, so any attempts to reconcile would be comparable to groveling.
Another common mistake is to make a big public splash on social media in an effort to get the other person’s attention. You may be tempted to post photos and glowing comments about yourself, hoping that your ex will stalk your Facebook page, see what you’re doing and run back to you if they believe that you’re happy and doing well without him or her. In reality, what they’ll see is that you’re trying to make them jealous or prove to them that you’re not hurting. Everybody is on to this tactic. It reeks of desperation and makes you look pathetic. The only thing your social media peers will feel for you is scorn or pity. Chances are that your ex won’t even bother to check out your social media activity and if they do happen to come across it, they won’t care enough to notice, react or respond. The pain of their indifference will sting, adding insult to injury.
My suggestion is radio silence. Go completely dark. Don’t respond to text messages or phone calls. Block your estranged spouse/partner from all of your social media activities. Avoid interaction with mutual friends, acquaintances or associates so that word of your activities won’t get back to your ex. If they wanted to end it, having no contact with you, either directly or indirectly is what comes with that territory. This isn’t meant to suggest that you should isolate yourself from the rest of the world, but rather, to find ways to keep busy, enjoy life as much as you can and to interact only with those who truly have your back. This way, you will maintain your self-respect. Dignity and emotional independence are very attractive qualities. When we show others where our vulnerabiliies lie, we give away our power.
Many times, when your estranged partner has no clue about what’s going on in your life, their imaginations may kick in and start working overtime. They might even wonder if they made a mistake and contact you just to say “hi”. What they’re really doing is trying to gauge your level of interest, to see if you still have feelings for them and/or whether they still have an “in”. You don’t want to become somebody for your ex to fall back on. Nothing makes people want to reconcile more than believing that they made an irreversible decision to end a relationship. It’s one thing to feel like the choice to break up was theirs to make but if you take away their option to come back to you, it could resurrect their interest and raise their respect for you. That said, don’t hang on to that hope and run with it. It can and does happen but sometimes it doesn’t.
If your ex does reach out for another chance, don’t immediately agree to it. Tell them that they lost your trust and leave it at that. You need not explain, excuse, defend or justify your response to a situation that they caused. If they are sincere in their desire to work it out, let them gradually earn a place back into your life. Don’t be so available or predictable. Live by your own terms and let them do whatever is necessary to fit themselves back into your life. You gave them your love freely the first time around and they threw it away. If they truly want to come back, you need to make them work hard for that privilege. This isn’t done by giving them a list of do’s and don’ts, but rather, by letting them figure out what to do through the process of elimination by trial and error. The burden is on THEM to make things right and if they want you back, they will quickly realize what they need to do by what behaviors you reject and refuse to tolerate. This is how you take back your power.
If you do let your ex back after he or she put forth a great deal of effort to regain a place in your life, keep in mind that they could be on their very best behavior, so be careful not to melt and fall back into the bad habits that caused them to become complacent and take you for granted the first time around. If they have to keep up with their efforts to maintain the relationship, they’ll think twice before deciding to throw it away again. People have a greater appreciation for anything that they have to work hard to get — and keep.
I believe that the best and healthiest course of action would be to assume that the relationship is over forever. Let go of false hopes and unrealistic dreams, jump head first into the grieving process and get the pain out of your system. Do this by letting go of your ex in baby steps. If you start thinking ahead to all the days, weeks, months and years of not being with this person, it’s overwhelming and often unbearable. Find something enjoyable to do that will take your mind off the break up right at this moment. Keep yourself busy and deal with the pain one second at a time. Don’t torture yourself with any thoughts of “what if” or “if only”. You don’t know what’s ahead, so it’s impossible to project. Anything can happen in the blink of an eye that can change your life forever, both good and bad … so … focus on the moment right in front of you, deal with the pain as it comes, and trust the recovery process, knowing that this, too, shall pass.
If something was meant to be, it would happen without any effort or action on your part. Don’t try to revive a relationship by force and don’t manipulate circumstances to get a desired outcome; otherwise, you’re pushing your life into a direction that it wasn’t mean to take. Take a deep breath and let life unfold over the natural course of time. If you let go and trust the process, it may lead you to a happiness beyond your wildest dreams. Little do you know what wonderful things could be waiting for you around the corner that you could miss out on because you were too busy fighting to hang on to somebody who was only supposed to be a part of your history, not your destiny.
I have a favorite slogan that has gotten me over some of the worst situations during the course of my life: “Our greatest blessings often come to us disguised as disasters.” Nothing is ever what it seems. This break up could be the catalyst that detours your life in a direction that you would have never taken — a direction that could lead to something wonderful that you otherwise would have missed.
Here’s another analogy: Would you eat 2-3 raw eggs? A stick of butter? Two cups of flour? A cup of sugar? No you wouldn’t because it would taste awful … BUT … if you combine those things and put them under some heat, you’d end up with a delicious cake. So remember … all of the distasteful parts of your life are no good by themselves, but when blended together and subjected to a lot of heat, they may yield some very sweet results.
Do unwanted break ups hurt? Oh HELL yes and it’s SO tempting to swallow your pride and dismiss the reasons why it didn’t work out to run back to your ex again. Patience is not something that comes easily to any of us. We live in an instant gratification society. People want immediate relief from their misery by any means possible but it’s much better to sit through temporary pain and discomfort for a better, longer lasting, happier future. The best things come to those who wait.
Never underestimate the power of painful circumstances. We can’t see into the future from our limited, human point of view. Things are never what they seem to be, but remember … it’s always darkest before dawn.