Why do so many sincere, caring, loving people end up with partners who leave a lot to be desired? Those who are looking for a meaningful relationship often pair up with narcissists, substance abusers and those who are irresponsible or defective in some other way. It’s been said that opposites attract and it’s the truth.
Why does this happen, but more importantly, HOW? There’s an expression: The devil doesn’t come at you with horns and a pitchfork; he comes at you cleverly disguised as everything you ever wanted.
Many undesirable people are charismatic masters of deception. They start out by showing great interest in everything you say. They want to know all about you. They’re flattering listeners as you babble on about your childhood, teenage years, failed relationships, jobs, family, friends, interests, hobbies, etc. They hang on to your every word as you talk about your hopes, dreams, fears, trust issues, wants and needs. For the first time in your life, you feel validated. Here is somebody who is genuinely interested in the real you. They seem too good to be true — and they are.
What you don’t realize is that while you were spilling your gut, they’ve been taking mental notes. You’ve just given them what is comparable to a step-by-step instruction manual on how to control you. They have a detailed blueprint about which of your strengths they can use to their advantage and which of your weaknesses they can prey upon. While they were captivating you with their attentiveness, you were also being carefully groomed and secretly appraised for a relationship with a hidden agenda. As they were hanging on to your every word, you were so enamored by their flattering attention that you failed to notice that they shared little to nothing about themselves. They may have told you that they got hurt in previous relationships by partners who let them down, didn’t understand them or abandoned them. You find them to be endearing and their disappointments heartbreaking. You want to kiss away their pain and make it disappear.
By the time you realize that your perfect new love is not everything you first thought them to be, you’re smitten and convinced that you can change them. The truth is that we ALL love to be somebody’s hero and because the person you care about has been hurt in the past, your nurturing, protective instincts kick in. You believe that your love will heal them and in turn, they’ll appreciate and cherish you forever for making all of their hopes and dreams come true. You’ll be the one who stayed by their side after so many others have failed them. Going forward, life will be all passion and excitement, moonlight and romance.
You fell in love with the fairy tale and relationship potential.
In spite of your best efforts to be encouraging, your new love continues to experience bouts of depression, mood swings or dissatisfaction. They are angry, miserable, critical and argumentative. They’re ingrates, showing no appreciation for your unwavering loyalty and commitment. They criticize, ridicule and belittle you, blaming you for everything that they consider to be wrong in the relationship. You berate yourself for your insensitivity and lack of patience, promising yourself to be more understanding. You’re convinced that it’s your fault for not being as encouraging and supportive as you should be. You’re constantly apologizing for something. You overlook their bad behavior and unreasonable demands, telling yourself that they’re just letting off steam and you try not to take it personally. You are proud of yourself for staying quiet and allowing them to vent.
Your new normal consists of walking on eggshells, feelings of inadequacy and an overall sense of sadness, disillusion and disappointment. You wonder how the relationship turned out this way. You rack your brains trying to figure out what you did wrong and why they’re never satisfied with you. No matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. You feel like a failure who continually falls short of their expectations.
What happened to that charming, upbeat, charismatic person that you met? That person never really existed. It was just a brilliant role played by a gifted actor. This person ends up draining you in every way possible. Your self respect suffers and your confidence is non-existent. You see others in happy, healthy relationships and wonder why it doesn’t happen for you. Your are convinced that you are inadequate, defective and unworthy of love.
Individuals like this are toxic predators. Their problems could stem from anger issues, manic depression, narcissism, substance abuse or just pure hatefulness. It has absolutely nothing to do with you but whatever the cause, they are not normal functioning individuals so they look for their complete opposite. This way, they can be in control and have the feeling of superiority they need. Eventually, they end up leaving you. While you were working to keep everything together, they were grooming somebody else to take your place and they dump you without a backward glance as soon as they find another unsuspecting, starry-eyed, love-struck fool and the cycle starts all over again.
While it may be a relief to have gotten rid of this emotional parasite, it kills whatever is left of your self-esteem. What feels worse than being rejected by a reject?
People like that aren’t partners; they’re captors with prisoners. They don’t get into relationships — they take hostages.
In this world, there are givers and takers. They feed off each other. The taker preys on the giver’s insecurities and their need for validation and approval. The giver provides the taker’s need for control and a scapegoat. The giver offers a warm heart; the taker, empty promises. The paradox is that the giver suffers the bigger loss because he/she made the greatest investment in the relationship, whereas the taker simply shakes it off and moves on to their next victim.
And this is how and why these kinds of opposites attract.